Thursday, 09 April 2009

• C Am E G Dm E G ... and so on

  After thought--- I was going to qualify this, but, what the hell... hi.  This really is the way I am. 

  Life is sometimes not interesting enough to write about.  This isn't one of those times.  Life is very very interesting right now, and complicated.  It is so interesting, and complicated that I should not write about it.  So I won't.
    
    The other day I saw a rainbow against a brick wall.  The midmorning sunlight pushed through the window, and cast its colors against the stones for me to see.  It was beautiful.

    Today a piece of string stuck out from the rest of the weave on my patio chair.  It curled, and shivered in the breeze.  I didn't touch it because it was beautiful.

    My roommate came home.  I pointed to the smallest leafless new growth on the tree across the street, and stated that I would like to be that twig because closest to the sky.  I remembered the rainbow and the string.  I gasped, like I do when I remember something I wanted to tell someone about, and told him about the rainbow, and the string.
  
    "I was going to text message someone," I laughed, "'I just saw a rainbow, and it was beautiful' but that seemed silly.  I was going to call someone and say, 'I just saw the most beautiful piece of string' but I realized I was crazy." 
    He laughed, and asked about the string.  I showed it to him, and he agreed it was beautiful.  He also reached out and moved the string.  It was an offensive thing to do, touching the curl, and it shocked me.  I would never... I looked from him to the sky and to him again. 
    "I really am insane," I mumbled, "I see all these small things."
    "You saw the flower that was going to be mowed down," he agreed with my self assesment.
    "What flower?"  I was confused, but thought that seeing a flower sounded like a lovely idea.  He reminded me it was almost ten years ago, according to me, in high school.
    Then I remembered telling him.  I smiled, "It was a dandelion."  And like I had been saying so often, "It was beautiful."  I paused because my emotions were pushing themselves into the front of my mind.  "I think," I continued, "I see the small beautiful things, because I feel I am a small beautiful thing, and I would like it very much for someone to see me."
  
    He said, "We all are."

    This song came before this conversation, and only tonight did I see how very similar the two are-

  One more song before I go to bed
  One more song before I rest
  One more chance to make it all make sense
  You know life's hard when you write your own lullaby
  You know shits weird when you can't stand to see your own self cry anymore
  No more
  Don't you see me standing here?
  Don't you see me? I'm so scared
  Don't you see me tie the rope?
  Don't you see I've lost my hope          and
  Everybody gets tired of the sad song
  Everybody gets worried when it's too long
  But we are all invisible
  And I am so f miserable
  
  But... lu-lu-lu- lullaby
  lu-lu-lu-lullaby
  Just one more song and then...

  Don't you see me standing here?
  Don't you see me? Do you care?
  Don't you see me with the knife?
  Understand this is my life          I know
  Everybody gets tired of the sad song
  Everybody gets worried when it's too long
  But we are all invisible
  And I am so f miserable
  
  But... lu-lu-lu- lullaby
  lu-lu-lu-lullaby
  Just one more song and then...

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