Thursday, 23 April 2009

• Compromised

      Every time I merge onto the highway ready, albeit unexcited, for work I feel a pull to just keep going.  I force myself to exit.  I encourage myself to turn.  I will myself to park, and smile.  I tell myself in just a little while I'll be free.  So, sometimes on my lunch break instead of eating I drive across the lake.  I taste freedom for those minutes.  I stare out at the water and try to remember the smell of the ocean.  I feel incredibly happy for a second when I forget I have somewhere to be. 
    When I do my homework, or clean the apartment I catch myself staring over at Lilly, my guitar, hanging on the wall.  I demand focus out of myself.  I rally my spirits to compete academically.  I make myself type, and organize.  I say to myself in just a little while I'll be free.  So, most times when the clock catches up with me I hurry to Lilly, and rush into my room.  I rip off my socks, and change into my pajamas. Excited,as the taste of adrenaline pools into my mouth, I lift Lilly off the bed.  I trace my fingers down her neck and listen to the tension between my skin and her strings.  I feel incredible love for a second when I forget I need to sleep.

    These are the compromises I make everyday: each time promising myself the same thing.  "I promise someday I will you give you exactly what you want.  I promise someday I will drive until I see the shore, stand in the ocean until my skin wrinkles, and watch the sunset over the horizon.  I promise someday I will pick Lilly up, play until my fingers bleed, and sing until I lose my voice.  I promise to never give up.  I promise to live passionately."

    For now, as is necessary, I am compromised.

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